The Wolf In Me
by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Sane
Summary: Remus Lupin is in hiding. He has been for a month. He doesn't trust Sirius. Could he be the spy? Well, it certainly wasn't Peter. Join Lupin after his first transformation alone since his 5th year.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Wish I did (and lets face it, who wouldn't want to own Harry Potter), but the fact remains that I don't.

**The Wolf In Me**

**Chapter 1 – Nobody Left To Dress My Wounds **

Slowly I woke from my troubled slumber. Ever since my friends had gone into hiding, full moons had been difficult for me. I had almost forgotten what I was without them. The wolf inside me had been pacified. It had companions. It had a pack.

I sighed heavily. Easing myself up from the floor I winced. I had forgotten how the wolf bit and scratched itself to compensate for its loneliness and hunger for human flesh. My thoughts drifted to Lily, James and little Harry. I hadn't seen them for at least a month. I hadn't seen anyone for at least month. It was my first full moon on my own since fifth year. Even during the holidays one of them had managed to visit me. I had never forgotten what they had done for me, I never would.

And now they were in danger. Merlin only knew why Voldemort was after the Potter's. True they were in the Order, but so was he. And Peter and Sirius.

Sirius. A surge of worry passed through him when he thought of Lily and James trusting their lives with him. There was a spy. That was painfully obvious after James had come back from his assignment without the use of his left leg. That had been before Harry had been born of course. I shuddered. After a month probing my feelings, I realised that out of all of us, Sirius was most likely to be the traitor. You only had to look at his family to realise that. Was I being prejudiced? Or logical? The lines were so blurred between the two. The Black family was notoriously dark. As well as Death Eaters it was filled with old supporters of Grindelwald. They were related to the Malfoy's for Merlin's sake! With that type of influence over you when growing up, who knew what Sirius was capable of. It must have been something short of a miracle that Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor.

But then, I don't really understand why I'm in Gryffindor either, that blasted hat seriously considered me for Ravenclaw. I am still unsure as to what the wolf's influence was in that. And to be perfectly frank, Peter belonged in Hufflepuff. I shook my head. The sorting hat must have been seriously messed up on that September night so many years ago. Out of all of us, James was the only one who could be considered a true Gryffindor. Though it could have been worse; Snape could have been sorted into Gryffindor.

But that's off subject. My mind is still debating whether Sirius could really do that to us. Even after a month I have still not made up my mind. It hurts to have people stereotype you; I should be the first person to tell you that. I would never forget Snape's face when he found out. I could never look him in the eye after that. Knowing that he considered me a totally different person, just because he had fallen for a stupid trick of Sirius's.

Sirius. He had betrayed me that day. The only thing I had asked of my friends the day they confronted me was not to tell anyone. I had known for long enough that my condition wouldn't bother them. I was right, from that point James had referred to my other side as my 'furry little problem'. But not everyone else would sympathise. At that point in time Voldemort had just started to recruit werewolves. I had to endure weeks at Hogwarts with werewolves as the main topic of conversation. The entire student population was intent on speculating on the most painful way to get rid of a werewolf. Silver jewellery became the height of fashion. I knew it was just superstition but it still hurt.

By our seventh year, Voldemort had practically every werewolf pack under his thumb. That was when Sirius had changed. He denied everything, but too often I would walk into our dorms to be swallowed by the silence that could only mean that you were being discussed only moments before.

It was only when we joined the Order that I overheard one of these conversations. The full moon was due and my senses were on heightened alert. I was on my way down to the basement when the voices drifted through from the kitchen.

'_You can't trust him, James.' It was Sirius. I stepped towards the door. Had they discovered the spy? Why wasn't I included in this conversation? 'He's a werewolf, James! Have you even read the Daily Prophet? He's got them all on his side! Voldemort-'_

_Peter squeaked. 'Don't say his name, Sirius!'_

'_Whatever,' I could almost see the casual wave of his hand that would go with that statement. 'We know there's a spy in the Order. We know Vol-' Sirius caught himself, 'You-Know-Who has an army of werewolves! Put two and two together, James!'_

_I had frozen up at that comment. It had been all I could do to stop the wolf escaping then and there! Sirius thought I was the spy!_

'_That is bloody ridiculous, Sirius!' I let out a soft breath of relief, James still trusted me. 'Moony is not the spy! He would never betray us.'_

'_W-well,' Peter stuttered, he seemed frightened to death of giving his opinion. 'There is a spy! We c-can't deny it any longer! A-and Remus is technically a dark creature. I don't think he would b-betray us either… b-but he is the most likely…'_

_I didn't need to hear anymore. I had stumbled away from the door in numb shock. They thought I was the spy!_

They probably still did!

That had been the night that I lost faith in Sirius. I knew I wasn't the spy, so it had to be either Peter or Sirius! James, Lily and Harry were in danger, and it was either Peter or Sirius that was feeding information to Voldemort. I could never suspect Peter; he practically fainted on hearing the Dark Lord's name. He's probably die of shock if he ever came face to face with him. That left Sirius. Sirius Black, the man whose family had a history of darkness. Sirius Black, the one who had betrayed my trust. Sirius Black, the one to accuse me of spying on the only friends I'd ever had. The one to doubt my loyalty, to use me as a scapegoat for his own treachery.

The wolf in me disagreed. The wolf trusted Sirius. I pushed the feeling away. I didn't trust the wolf. The wolf was a dark creature. It couldn't be trusted.

I winced as I wrapped bandaged around my torn limbs. A cold empty feeling filled me, this was the first transformation I had gone through totally alone. As an infant I had my parents. Then there was Madam Pomfrey. Then the Marauders. But now there was nobody to dress my wounds. Nobody to comfort me. I was alone.

With these thoughts drifting around in my head, I hardly noticed the man entering my room. I hardly noticed the wizened hand brush against my shoulder.

It was that night that I learnt of James and Lily's deaths. Peter's murder. I had lost three friends at the hand of the fourth. From that point on, I vowed never to trust again. I wouldn't let myself get into friendships. I wouldn't let myself get close to anybody. Things were safer that way. It was also the day I lost faith in my wolf instincts. They had told me Sirius was innocent. They were just as treacherous as Sirius Black.

I was truly alone. There was nobody to dress my wounds. And I told myself there never would be.

* * *

Well, how was it, at the mo its just a one shot but I may consider continuing it if you review and ask me too! 


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